Do you disagree with your partner about having kids? 9 things you can do

Whether people are in a happy relationship or not, it is a well established fact that all couples argue. You and your partner may disagree over money, busy schedules or habits. You two may also not be on the same page when it comes to starting a family. Deciding to have your mini version is a big decision couples need to make together. While you may consider becoming a parent the logical next step in your relationship, your partner may not want to have kids at all. Does that mean you should end your relationship? Know what to do if you and your partner disagree on having kids.

Why do couples disagree on having kids?

Couples don’t always agree with each other. Household tasks and money are some of the common topics of marital conflict, according to a 2009 study published in the Family Relations journal. Some even fight over having their own children. Here are some of the reasons why you or your partner may not want kids:

1. Temporal perspectives

Women’s fertility declines with age, creating a sense of urgency for some of us. At the same time, differing timelines and life phases can lead to disagreements as couples may have varying readiness for children, says psychotherapist and life coach Dr Chandni Tugnait.

2. Emotional baggage

Upbringing influences a person’s views on parenting, and contrasting backgrounds can cause tension. Some people from dysfunctional families may fear replicating those patterns after becoming a parent.

3. Societal expectations and gender roles

Gendered norms often dictate that women take primary responsibility for bringing up a child, leading to clashes when expectations collide. Balancing careers and parenting can also lead to strain in relationships.

4. Financial considerations

Raising a child is expensive, and thinking of spending money on their food, clothes, education and other necessities can create tension. Also, the sacrifices involved in parenthood may strain relationships.

The decision to have children is basically a delicate balance of love, practicality, and personal histories.

What to do if your new partner doesn’t want kids?

When a budding romance runs across the children’s question early on, it can be a potential turning point. If your new boyfriend doesn’t want to have kids, consider this early revelation a gift of clarity. Many couples avoid this discussion for years, only to experience heartbreak later, says the expert. You have the ability to make informed judgments about your future from the beginning.

You can immediately split up or continue the relationship, but set some boundaries. Agree to revisit the matter at regular intervals, allowing for personal development and shifting opinions without constant pressure, suggests the expert.

You can also put yourself first and consider your own desires. Is parenthood a non-negotiable dream, or is it just one of many possible life paths? Sometimes, we adopt societal standards without thoroughly analysing our personal goals.

Whether you stay together or split up, the experience can be transformative, providing important lessons about communication, and self-awareness.

What to do if your long-term partner refuses to have kids?

Here are some things to consider if your long-term partner refuses to have children:

1. Have an open dialogue

Start an honest, non-judgmental conversation about their reasoning. Understanding the underlying cause of their decision to not have kids can bring clarity and may identify concerns that can be addressed.

2. Seek couples counselling

Discussing it with your partner is a must. But a professional mediator can assist with tough conversations. They can help navigate the complex problem and explore its influence on your relationship, says Dr Tugnait.

3. Reassess your priorities

Think hard about why you want to have children. Is it a real desire or pressure from your family or society? Understanding your motivations can allow you to make better decisions regarding your future.

4. Explore alternatives

Consider adopting, fostering, or getting more involved with nieces, nephews, or community youth initiatives. These may satisfy your nurturing feelings without affecting your partner’s viewpoint.

5. Create a timeline for decision-making

Set a specified period for revisiting the topic. This can keep the issue from becoming a constant cause of conflict while also allowing for prospective shifts in perspective, says the expert.

6. Evaluate relationship satisfaction

Having kids may be just one of the topics you two don’t agree on. So, consider other parts of connection with your partner. If everything else is great, you should consider whether having children is worth leaving an otherwise happy and healthy relationship.

7. Go for individual therapy

Couples therapy is great, but you may also need personal counselling. Talking to a therapist can help you process your emotions and achieve clarity on your life goals, regardless of your relationship.

8. Discuss potential compromises

Having children is not normally a compromise. But consider whether there are any methods to partially meet both you and your partner’s requirements, such as agreeing to be more engaged with family members’ children.

9. Prepare to make difficult judgments

If having children is unavoidable for you, be prepared to make the difficult decision to end the relationship. Break-up is not always the only option when partners disagree on having children, although it may become inevitable for certain couples. The overall strength of the relationship is important if the partnership is otherwise happy, some people may choose to prioritise their relationship over having children. Also, many couples find ways to live a fulfilling life without children by focusing on other life objectives and experiences, notes the expert. However, if having or not having children is a non-negotiable life goal for you after extensive conversation, leaving the relationship may be the best option.

Being in a committed and happy relationship may be sufficient for some people. But for someone who has always wanted kids, it may not be enough. So, be open, and honest with your partner if you two disagree about having kids, and then decide how to move forward.